Look at the means the guy proudly grins up from the you against their phone display as he dangles his Connect during the day between the legs off his luggage pants-clad legs! You understand those pockets are just filled with carabiners, hooks, and you will zip-connections! Imagine the cute Boy Lookout you decided to go to primary school having. Consider the way they have been therefore useful and knew all of the different categories of knots? Okay, today photo them grown-up-and declining to Venmo your $250 having their 50 % of the new abortion. Now photo him ascending with the sunshine, he phone calls “nature’s noisy alarms.” Honestly, I am not sure which is worse.

Nebraska: This new Armchair Quarterback

You undergone about three (3) coffee dining tables this season since your boyfriend, a keen armchair quarterback from Nebraska, will not stop smashing all of them in rage whenever their team seems to lose. The guy categorically refuses to accept that the participants cannot hear your of his family room and, as a result, his post-fumble “Get real. ” shout is actually noisy. All Friday, unfailingly, you might be either enjoying your phone call most of the advisor and player a beneficial fucking moron, otherwise freezing during the tailgate – never ever from the real video game, though. He’s going to never ever mastered the one 12 months and he was almost a 3rd-string walk-on the kicker into the Huskers, and since he talks about it all new really day, none are you willing to.

Nevada: The latest Perma-Bachelor

Only if my fit fit me plus Bradley Cooper’s performed from the Hang over, believes the Vegas Fuckboy, up coming living would be complete. Here he happens, prowling through the pub together with top undone one switch as well of numerous, slurring his conditions and you will sloshing his martini. Only if they tasted just like they appear, the guy miracle in order to themselves. Never query your when deciding to take of their sunglasses, as they are concealing a pair of crusted, bloodshot attention that were immediately following simple and you may laden with lives. He could be now a walking team host, repeating in order to their loved ones: “You’re getting hitched? Loser! It is the single lives for my situation, brah!”, being unsure of he’s going to become doomed to enhance a great paunch, help his costly fit end up being stained and you can horrible, and be among the Las vegas video slot grandmothers, thumbing home into the machine and you may ingesting a-two-liter bottle from eating plan Coke, looking to winnings the fresh honor away from his forgotten teens.

“Hey girl, did not We see you at the Tri-Kap dager the other day?” is a typical starting gambit of the This new Hampshire Fuckboy which was Steeped But Embarrassed About it. Good Dartmouth guy through and through, he’s a perfect eyes regarding button-downs, khaki shorts, and you may an excellent blazer that is certainly used at formals but also at the his dad’s boat pub. Inquire him outright in the event that he or she is rich, he will be quick to share with you their family relations you should never individual a beneficial personal sprinkle – it’s merely a stake inside the a contributed G6 anywhere between the my dad’s organization people. And then he does not have any a residence with the Nantucket, it is simply a tiny summer house to the seashore close to the Obamas’ put. A great key if you’d like to place your toward location – query him in order to pronounce the name away from his extremely expensive view (Audemars Piguet) and determine your squirm.

The fresh Mexico: New Connect

The fresh Mexico, they say, is the property out-of enchantment, a desert where your own road trip hopes and dreams may come real. It’s nearer to a dusty horror where the men smell of particles and you will smegma. Your new Mexican fuckboy, in the event the he could be away from Albuquerque, could well be way too wanting to direct you attractions out-of Breaking Bad – you are aware, one to home you could potentially place a pizza on to, or that amazingly meth motel – just like the that’s all he has. One to, along with his “I am the one who hits” top (stained), hot Cagliari women an extensive-brimmed cap (doesn’t complement), and you will Heisenberg spectacles (indeed a tiny tight so they really search in and then leave purple, welt-eg indents with the his head). When the he’s off Santa Fe, anticipate an identical but with talks on Ayahuasca very tiresome you’ll must hurl on your own off of the high cliffs within Los Alamos.